Prudence Hutchinson, you left town with my 64 oz. bottle of bubble solution (including bubble wand) in the back seat of your car and I have been kind of empty inside ever since. If I had to blame someone for the subsequent incidents involving the excessive use of exclamation points that resulted in my dismissal from the editorial staff of Good Housekeeping magazine, I guess I would blame you.
(Right click and save)
I keep finding myself thinking of things along the lines of, “cool, only four more hours and it will be an acceptable time for me to eat lunch.”
While you weren’t there the time I decided with finality that it was my lot in life to become an emotional zombie, please take note that anything you might have tried to say had you been there would have been in vain.
I am also sorry for every instance in which I have behaved terribly.
(I wanted this post to involve a series of digits lined up in the shape of a triangle that hinted at the divine by way of numerological significance, but I couldn’t figure out the html necessary to make everything line up right, so it had to be scrapped.)
Yo La Tengo – The Whole of the Law
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It has become more than a little apparent that my continued reliance on prop humor is holding me back. Which isn’t to say that the thing with the Thai chile sauce and the scale model of Davenport Iowa wasn’t really fucking funny.
(Right click and save)
This cute little Latina came to the door asking if I wanted to subscribe to the newspaper and I told her that I did not because I am mentally incapable of dealing with the clutter and I wanted to invite her in to watch American Idol and consume 48+ fluid ounces of the champagne of beers but I could tell that she thought I was weird so I just let her use my cellphone so she could call her sister to ask her to come pick her up and take her home.
Unrest – Yes She Is My Skinhead Girl
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So now that we’re sort of past that…
Cansei de Ser Sexy – Music is My Hot Hot Sex
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Other items:
I need to step out of character for a minute. I hope it is not excessively distracting.
Last week I mentioned to a few people that this is starting to feel like an obligation. It would have been more accurate for me to state that this seems just as meaningless as everything else (my worldview is partially to blame for this; for now I will misplace the rest of the blame on my parents), and I’m not sure that I can continue to occupy myself with this meaninglessness just so I have some way to pass the time.
Since this is no more than a well-intentioned and poorly executed diversion that is pleasurable to none and I will never devote the time or energy to make it anything more significant, logic seems to dictate that I should stop. Then again, pursuing logic is bound to lead me to complete stasis, especially if I decide to excise everything that will never receive more than a half-assed effort.
This must seem like a pathetic plea for validation. I’m pretty sure that it is.
I’m infinitely sorry yet again.
My continued existence can mostly be attributed to lack of follow-through.
I was a failed professional eater.
I had the heart, I had the desire, but I lacked the gift. I found out too late that all of the training in the world would never grant me the ability and athletic prowess required to down fifty kosher franks in twelve minutes.
Men’s Recovery Project – New Talking Sausage
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I need to formulate some kind of excuse to justify getting out (or at least enough of an excuse to justify getting up).
Bloc Party – Positive Tension (The Go! Team Remix)
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Before I woke up:
I stood in the shower, shaving my face with an old pocket knife. My wrist slipped and I lopped my left ear off clean.
I picked up the severed appendage from the tile floor and brought my hand to the side of my head. As I ran my hand over the space where my ear used to reside I found that the surface was flat and smooth. I felt no pain. This didn’t surprise me.
I turned my ear over in my hands and noticed a tiny speck of blood that must have marked the location where my ear was once tenuously attached. Then shock set in. The thought of having to leave the house was crushing. I couldn’t bear exposing this new bit of asymmetry resulting from my own carelessness. A plan started to form, the crux of which involved an old tube of Super Glue that I hoped I had not thrown out.
I woke up still intent for a moment on finding some kind of adhesive that would fuse skin to skin. My goal of spending the entire day in bed was thwarted.
I have been thinking about you and I hope that’s okay.
Spiritualized – Why Don’t You Smile Now
(Right click and save. Yes, maybe I’m a little drunk and overly sentimental, but maybe that is better than being constantly afraid.)
It appears that I may end up trapped inside for the next day or two (due to phobias best left unstated), so thanks for sending the CD.
Architecture in Helsinki – The Owls Go (Max Tundra Remix)
(Right click and save and then buy Max Tundra stuff. “Mastered by Guy at the Exchange” is the best album released this decade and it would be sad if you didn’t attempt to purchase it. The last Architecture in Helsinki album is pretty OK too.)
You know what they say, “the lower hanging the fruit,
the more delicious the fruit.”
They also say, “the lower hanging the fruit,
the less self aware the fruit.”
Thinking fruit aspires to something higher
and is less delicious as a result.
I am reminded of Icarus
but with fruit.